Human

I feel guilty that I don’t always have dinner waiting or the house spotless when my husband comes home from work.
I remind myself that just because I work from home doesn’t mean that I have free time.  I still am chained to my home office desk for a full 8 hours a day. As soon as I’m off, I go and pick up the kids. I’m not “home” to do these things anymore than he is. Yes, when he gets home, he cooks. Yes, I clean, but admittedly can’t get much of a dent done until the weekend.

I feel guilty that I haven’t yet gone back to school; that I have gone to school and now have all this debt, all to be working at a place that doesn’t really utilize any of my skills. I remind myself that it’s a job that grants me the flexibility that I need while my kids are young and that allows us all to travel, one of my top pleasures in life, to a degree that we could never attain if I worked anywhere else.

I feel guilty that I snapped at my kids yesterday and that honestly, on some days I feel like they get on my last nerve. There are many people who would love to have kids who don’t have them. I remind myself that if said people did have kids, there would be times they yelled at them too. I still have bad days. And I have kids who love me anyway.

I feel guilty that sometimes, seemingly out of nowhere, my depression and fatigue are so crippling I can barely face the day. There are people who are really sick, terminal even, that can still face the day with a smile. I remind myself that if ever there was a case that proved just how debilitating this can be, it’s my experience.

I remind myself, I remind myself, I remind myself.  All the time.

The guilt?

Still there.

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14 thoughts on “Human

  1. That’s a great post. Guilt and female go hand-in-hand. Just because you have something that someone else wants and that something drives you crazy and makes you tired does not mean you’re ungrateful. I remind myself of this all the time, too. But that truth is what helps us be grateful and find the energy and patience. It’s a good thing. I like to acknowledge that life with young kids is kicking my ass in a way that I never imagined it would. It’s freeing to just say “this is hard and I’m struggling” instead of pretending everything is okay.

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  2. Working from home is horrible in my opinion. I started full-time working from home a year ago and no matter how hard you are actually working – at the end of the day you still feel ‘guilty’ for it. I don’t know why. I’m so glad that I got a promotion and now can go into work at least two days per week.

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    • I can understand that. I actually love it, and feel much more productive with my work than I did while in the office. What I don’t love is the insinuation I receive from people sometimes, even friends, that because my office is at home that I must have all this time on my hands to cook, clean, shop, and run a smoother household.

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  3. Great post Christina. Very relatable. Some of us are just wired up (or were taught) to feel guilty and not-perfect-enough. The trait merely looks for something to attach itself to.

    There’s still stigmas and envy even, when anyone does something “out of the norm” like work at home or work part-time or work for themselves. Like they’re not allowed to have normal-people problems (because they’re so “lucky”).

    Liked by 1 person

    • Your comment just made me realize how I’m guilty (there’s that word again) of doing this myself! Like when I scoff at celebrities who claim they’re just normal people with the same problems as anyone else. Perhaps now I should learn to be more empathetic (although their money is still a “problem” I’d like to have, lol.)

      I know my guilt is self-imposed, as I can’t claim anyone has ever attempted to make me feel this way. Not anyone close to me anyway. But somewhere along the way I’ve picked up these “SuperWoman” messages from society-at-large and admittedly have felt disappointment in myself for continuing to “fall short” even though I know full well these ideals and standards are impossible and unrealistic. This dichotomy is just something I’m continuing to struggle with every day.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Colette, thank you so much for that, you don’t know how much that means to hear that. And your post isn’t “indirect”, its actually nail on the head and is making me think of yet something else to share. This might be something I’m able to expound on in a further post within the next day or two and I would love to link back to you when I do so. Thanks for making me think today 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Pingback: Epiphany | TheEveryAll.com

  6. First of all, depression is an illness — a medically defined one. So, if you are depressed, stop telling yourself that you’re not truly sick. Get help if you need it. Seriously.

    That said, we all have bad parenting days. Hell, I can think of bad parenting YEARS, LOL! We love our children, we keep them safe. Sometimes we have to forgive ourselves our foibles if we do those things!

    Working from home IS working. I did it when my daughter was young. It’s tough. Still, it’s tougher to work outside of your home.

    Feeling guilty is, sadly, part and parcel of being a married human who is a parent. I’m sure you’ll be just fine. Just breathe. Seriously. Just breathe!

    Like

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