Again

I am dismayed. Dismayed that I have opened my newsfeed to headlines of today’s carnage in California. Another senseless mass shooting. Yet again. 

I am horrified. Horrified to imagine the terrifying, paralyzing fear those parents must have felt the moment they learned someone was shooting at their child’s elementary school. But I’m unable to…because I can’t imagine it. It is just so unfathomable an emotion and experience for me to even try to wrap my head around.

I am overwhelmed. Overwhelmed at the seeming surge in mass attacks our nation is currently experiencing. I am still reeling from Vegas and all that has preceded and followed since; the time that has passed so short…the list that has grown so long.

I am weary. Weary from the sheer multitude of incidents. Weary from the unsettling realization that with each new alert, it is starting to feel less and less like news. How distressing, how utterly unfortunate it is that with the more these incidents occur, the less shocking to hear of they become. Less shocking, but never any less heartbreaking.

And I am also a little bit ashamed. Both ashamed and embarrassed that I have so far gleaned only minimal details on the most recent of events. Today’s reports have pulled me in, as any tragedy involving children tends to do. But in all honesty, I have not fully read up on the incidents in Colorado and Texas, and was there also another one between those two?? It is happening so much that it is becoming hard to keep up. The past few weeks in my personal life have been a bit more out of sorts than usual, and in so being, history begs of me to consider my previous struggles with spiraling into deep, black holes. It can be such a slippery slope, like trying to stand up while on a spinning top, knowing how the slightest provocation of disconsolation can send me tumbling. And I would do anything to keep from returning to that shell. With the emotional turmoil, the aching pull on my heart that I am so often left with after this sort of event, it can sometimes become just too much to read the news. I have these babies to care for. I want as much as I can to be present for them, to be mentally available, to be emotionally stable. And so, in a forced effort to self-preserve, sometimes I must close the article; sometimes I must turn off the news.

But I am still aware. Fully aware of the acknowledged absurdity I sometimes feel when stating that it can be too hard just to read the news, knowing that could never compare to living it. It’s not at all my intention to hide under a rock or stick my head in the sand. I know these tragedies are happening. The victims and their hurting relatives are going through all of our worst nightmares. They don’t have the luxury to ignore it. And I don’t want to ignore it.

So I will give myself the time-out needed in order to gather myself. And then, I will read. I will read all of the details. I will view the photos and bios of each victim, read the remembrances shared by their grieving families, and take a moment to reflect on the lives lost, mentally paying my own personal respects. Just as I have done every tragedy prior. Just as I will do the next time, whenever it happens again…because we know it will happen again. But I will do it because the victims  deserve that acknowledgement and respect…and because what they deserve most of all is to still be alive.

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14 thoughts on “Again

  1. I can really understand how you feel! It get extra extra difficult to deal with it when there are children involve. Belive me, every evening when I put my daughter to sleep I cant help but think of all the kids out there who are abuse by an adult. Crying for help or are afraid to sleep because they are not safe. I just want to burried myself deep down to escape!😭😭

    Liked by 1 person

    • Agreed, it can definitely be a struggle to comprehend at times. Overall I do a good job not getting too bogged down and overwhelmed with the headlines. But its the news days like this one that can make it tough 😦

      Liked by 1 person

  2. It is sad to see so much death and hate in the world these days. This year has been especially bad for random acts of violence like Las Vegas and the church in Texas. But we must not let our fear prevent us from living happy and active lives. We just need to be more aware of what’s going on and have a plan just in case. This will be a sad holiday season for so many families that were impacted this year.

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    • Absolutely. It will definitely make me sad when hearing about it, but if anything, it just makes me all the more want to love on my family and get out and enjoy my day and time with them,

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  3. Oh again, I didn’t knew that there was a mass shooting again in California. It really pains to have such news and we get flashbacks of such past incidents. But what are the reasons that these are becoming so rampant around the world? Where is the gap?

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s exactly it; it’s happening so frequently that it’s almost not even “news” anymore. I’m pretty sure I missed hearing about one as well because its been hard to keep them all straight! Hard to imagine what the answer is to any of this is, or why it’s happening in the first place. The only takeaway I’ve mananged so far is to just not take any day for granted, and to live, love, and enjoy life and family to the fullest.

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  4. I agree with you that it is absolutely crazy how often shootings are taking place. I can’t believe yet another incident has occurred. One shooting is confused with the next because they happen so often now. What are we supposed to tell our children about this awful news?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Mine are still so young and not very tuned into headlines like this just yet, but at the rate this keeps happening, I know it will only be a matter of time before that conversation will have to occur.

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  5. I think maybe we can’t pay attention to every bad thing and all its details because we need that energy to live our lives and do the things that counteract all the awful stuff. I tell myself that my suffering and being pained doesn’t help anybody and I know it hurts me. When you’re sensitive Cristina (and I daresay you are), it’s just smart to be protective of yourself

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    • Colette, I am just starting to wrap my head around this more! My struggle has been the uncomfortable feeling that not reading=not caring. And also, I *want* to be informed of the world around me. But you are absolutely right about the need to be protective of myself. Knowing the tailspin that I could potentially send myself into, I am learning to accept that sometimes it’s just best that I *not* tune in to everything. And that doing so doesn’t make me a bad person but rather that I’m trying to be the *best* person I can be for myself and my family.

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